I have spent a lot of time lately looking at others and then looking back at myself with a sense of disappointment. It is a quiet feeling, like a weight that sits in the back of your mind while you’re trying to work or even when you’re just trying to enjoy a meal. It’s the feeling that no matter how hard I run, everyone else is already miles ahead.
I think this stems from an insecurity that has been with me for a long time. It makes me feel like I am always the student and never the master, or that my contributions are just “noise” in a world full of experts.
I noticed this feeling creeping in while I was browsing through LinkedIn and reading through others’ achievements and celebrations. I saw people who have climbed the ladder and reached greater heights than where they started.
I often feel like being “good enough” is a failure. I feel I must be exceptional to have value. But nature doesn’t work that way. The “baby tree” in front of my house isn’t trying to be the tallest tree in the world; it is just trying to grow strong.
I keep acting like there is a point in life where I will finally “arrive” and no longer feel insecure. But life can really throw a curve ball at us. One minute we think that we are on the right track, the next, we receive bad news of a layoff.
I shared these thoughts with Vy while we were walking Yuna the other day. She pointed out that I am comparing my internal struggles with their external success. It is a common trap, but knowing that doesn’t always make the feeling go away.
I’ve been returning to the Art of Not Giving a F*ck to help navigate this. When I feel inferior: So what? It is just a temporary state of mind. It doesn’t mean I am actually less capable than I was yesterday. Others are more successful: So what? Their success doesn’t take anything away from mine. The world is large enough for all of us. I am not an expert in what I do: So what? Being a learner is actually a gift. It means I still have room to grow.
For now, I will focus on the things that I am good at. I’ll focus on walking Yuna, continuing my running, and being a reliable partner for Vy. These are the things that keep me grounded when the rest of the world feels like it’s moving too fast. Maybe that is the only mastership I really need for today.